I wonder how my mother felt when she booked that one-way flight to America in 1999, or maybe it was in the early months of the year 2000. I wonder if it was sort of reminiscent of what I felt when I booked my one-way flight to New York City, or maybe I’m just being melodramatic. After all, I am the girl who keeps a note on my phone that I only ever open around 2am, when all I want to do is write about my feelings and anxieties. Regardless, I feel like it wasn't until this week, that it hit me that I'm moving across the country. It wasn't quite real to me until now and suddenly I can't even sleep anymore because I'm excited and nervous and scared and everything in between. It just became more and more real every day, and along with that, the days started feeling longer and longer. And in one day, I’m going to wake up and get on that plane and I have no idea how that will go. And I have no idea what will happen after. For all I know, I'll completely unaffected and only once I’m standing on my street in Chelsea, luggage in hand, I’ll come to realize where I am and what I’ve done and what is happening. And then I’ll be washed over with a sense of reality, with emotions and longing and intense joy and every major feeling that I haven’t quite felt yet. But that's not likely, since I started missing my loved ones months ago, long before I ever knew I was definitely moving to New York. And besides, if I cried getting on a plane home after visiting my best friend in California for a couple days, I'm 100% sure I'll cry getting on a plane to my new city and leaving behind my childhood home and loved ones. I'm an emotional being, after all. BUT, It's not like I won't ever come home either. I mean I'm going to be back for a month between December and January. Still though, the feelings are real and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.
Sometimes, I too get caught up pretending my life is perfect on social media, or at the very least on facebook, instagram, and blogger. Tumblr and Twitter get to see the inner workings of my mind a little bit more, but still it’s not the same as the raw emotions I release into my journal. Even on those social media platforms where I feel like I can be more candid, I'm still pretending a little bit. One thing I failed to emphasize when I wrote about the last time I went to New York City, is that I spent a big part of the trip crying. I guess that was my mistake, for deciding to show up to the city entirely on my own, to spend the first half of the trip wandering about by myself. The city was magic and grand and interesting, sure, but it was also lonely and frantic. I was constantly lost and trying to find help. I was constantly feeling incompetent and small. I mean, the first thing I did when I reached the apartment on St. Marks Place was have a panic attack. I wanted to just curl up on the ground and cry and breathe and do my best at attempting to calm down because I couldn't even will myself to look out the window, let alone leave the apartment building and venture out. Once I finally did, it took me hours to find the MoMA, and I don't mean a couple hours. I mean several. I mean the entire morning. Only once I found it did I feel at peace. That night, I called my mom, a mess of tears. Between sobs, I told her I wanted to go home, that I couldn’t stand the city with all of it’s rude people, with all of the busy streets, with all of that isolation I felt being there. I told everyone on social media that I was in love with the city, and I wasn’t. That not how the story ended, of course, or I wouldn't be moving there. I grew to appreciate the city when my friends arrived and we spent the next three days having a good time. By the end of the trip I was dead set on coming back, this time to live there. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now! See, things do get better. It doesn't mean I'm not scared this time, but I know that even if things aren't easy at first, I'll settle into the city. I'll start to love it. I'll be fully living before I know it!
But this isn’t just about New York either. I mean, Utah has been my home for the better part of my life. I remember my first few weeks in Utah, when I was four years old. I remember all the houses we’ve lived in. This is where I got my first cat (my dear Minnie,) it’s where I learned to ride my bike, this is where I graduated from high school, where I first started college, where I learned to sew, where I formed my ideas and values, where I met my oldest friends. Orem is my hometown and my roots will always be here, surrounded by these massive mountains that I once took for granted, but my mom always marveled at. I hated this town when I was in junior high and during my early high school years. I used say that I would never belong because I wasn’t of the same religion, because I didn’t have a religion, because I didn’t have as many friends, because there was never anything fun to do and most musicians I adore wouldn’t even tour here, because I thought I wouldn't ever love this place, etc. I grew to love it, eventually. It’s never going to be a perfect fit for me, but that’s beyond my control. Still, I’m going to miss my friends - the new and the old- and I’m going to miss sitting in my room with my Daisy Máire curled up on my lap, and I’m going to miss those late afternoon grocery shopping trips with my mom, and I'll miss my sister and my dad too. I’m going to miss my childhood bedroom with my collection of Taylor Swift merchandise from my fangirl days. I’m going to miss my little tan car with my Bernie Sanders sticker still on it. I’m going to miss the local concert venues where I first fell in love with live music. I’m going to miss the mountains and all my favorite trails to hike, especially in the Fall. I’m going to miss my Utah, my home.
With that said, I put together a little playlist of old and new songs to listen to when you’re feeling feelings and thinking about life around 2am, probably.
Tracklist:
- Robotic - Hannah Georgas
- Night 52 - Christine and the Queens
- I Admit I'm Scared - Eskimeaux
- What If - Maggie Eckford
- Four Walls - Broods
- Hold Your Own Hand - Mothers
- Best Times - Sales
- Only A Prayer Nothing More - Florist
- Sodom, South Georgia - Iron & Wine
- Be Your Own 3am - Adult Mom
- Gone - AdriAnne Lenker
- Class of 2013 - Mitski
- How Are You?? - Soko
- Before The World Was Big - Girlpool
and you can listen to the playlist right over on THIS link!
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