Feeling Feelings + An August Playlist

I wonder how my mother felt when she booked that one-way flight to America in 1999, or maybe it was in the early months of the year 2000. I wonder if it was sort of reminiscent of what I felt when I booked my one-way flight to New York City, or maybe I’m just being melodramatic. After all, I am the girl who keeps a note on my phone that I only ever open around 2am, when all I want to do is write about my feelings and anxieties. Regardless, I feel like it wasn't until this week, that it hit me that I'm moving across the country. It wasn't quite real to me until now and suddenly I can't even sleep anymore because I'm excited and nervous and scared and everything in between. It just became more and more real every day, and along with that, the days started feeling longer and longer. And in one day, I’m going to wake up and get on that plane and I have no idea how that will go. And I have no idea what will happen after. For all I know, I'll completely unaffected and only once I’m standing on my street in Chelsea, luggage in hand, I’ll come to realize where I am and what I’ve done and what is happening. And then I’ll be washed over with a sense of reality, with emotions and longing and intense joy and every major feeling that I haven’t quite felt yet. But that's not likely, since I started missing my loved ones months ago, long before I ever knew I was definitely moving to New York. And besides, if I cried getting on a plane home after visiting my best friend in California for a couple days, I'm 100% sure I'll cry getting on a plane to my new city and leaving behind my childhood home and loved ones. I'm an emotional being, after all. BUT, It's not like I won't ever come home either. I mean I'm going to be back for a month between December and January. Still though, the feelings are real and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes, I too get caught up pretending my life is perfect on social media, or at the very least on facebook, instagram, and blogger. Tumblr and Twitter get to see the inner workings of my mind a little bit more, but still it’s not the same as the raw emotions I release into my journal. Even on those social media platforms where I feel like I can be more candid, I'm still pretending a little bit. One thing I failed to emphasize when I wrote about the last time I went to New York City, is that I spent a big part of the trip crying. I guess that was my mistake, for deciding to show up to the city entirely on my own, to spend the first half of the trip wandering about by myself. The city was magic and grand and interesting, sure, but it was also lonely and frantic. I was constantly lost and trying to find help. I was constantly feeling incompetent and small. I mean, the first thing I did when I reached the apartment on St. Marks Place was have a panic attack. I wanted to just curl up on the ground and cry and breathe and do my best at attempting to calm down because I couldn't even will myself to look out the window, let alone leave the apartment building and venture out. Once I finally did, it took me hours to find the MoMA, and I don't mean a couple hours. I mean several. I mean the entire morning. Only once I found it did I feel at peace. That night, I called my mom, a mess of tears. Between sobs, I told her I wanted to go home, that I couldn’t stand the city with all of it’s rude people, with all of the busy streets, with all of that isolation I felt being there. I told everyone on social media that I was in love with the city, and I wasn’t. That not how the story ended, of course, or I wouldn't be moving there. I grew to appreciate the city when my friends arrived and we spent the next three days having a good time. By the end of the trip I was dead set on coming back, this time to live there. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now! See, things do get better. It doesn't mean I'm not scared this time, but I know that even if things aren't easy at first, I'll settle into the city. I'll start to love it. I'll be fully living before I know it!

But this isn’t just about New York either. I mean, Utah has been my home for the better part of my life. I remember my first few weeks in Utah, when I was four years old. I remember all the houses we’ve lived in. This is where I got my first cat (my dear Minnie,) it’s where I learned to ride my bike, this is where I graduated from high school, where I first started college, where I learned to sew, where I formed my ideas and values, where I met my oldest friends. Orem is my hometown and my roots will always be here, surrounded by these massive mountains that I once took for granted, but my mom always marveled at. I hated this town when I was in junior high and during my early high school years. I used say that I would never belong because I wasn’t of the same religion, because I didn’t have a religion, because I didn’t have as many friends, because there was never anything fun to do and most musicians I adore wouldn’t even tour here, because I thought I wouldn't ever love this place, etc. I grew to love it, eventually. It’s never going to be a perfect fit for me, but that’s beyond my control. Still, I’m going to miss my friends - the new and the old- and I’m going to miss sitting in my room with my Daisy Máire curled up on my lap, and I’m going to miss those late afternoon grocery shopping trips with my mom, and I'll miss my sister and my dad too. I’m going to miss my childhood bedroom with my collection of Taylor Swift merchandise from my fangirl days. I’m going to miss my little tan car with my Bernie Sanders sticker still on it. I’m going to miss the local concert venues where I first fell in love with live music. I’m going to miss the mountains and all my favorite trails to hike, especially in the Fall. I’m going to miss my Utah, my home.

With that said, I put together a little playlist of old and new songs to listen to when you’re feeling feelings and thinking about life around 2am, probably. 

Tracklist:

1. Robotic - Hannah Georgas
2. Night 52 - Christine and the Queens
3. I Admit I'm Scared - Eskimeaux
4. What If - Maggie Eckford
5. Four Walls - Broods
6. Hold Your Own Hand - Mothers
7. Best Times - Sales
8. Only A Prayer Nothing More - Florist
9. Sodom, South Georgia - Iron & Wine
10. Be Your Own 3am - Adult Mom
11. Gone - AdriAnne Lenker
12. Class of 2013 - Mitski
13. How Are You?? - Soko
14. Before The World Was Big - Girlpool

and you can listen to the playlist right over on THIS link!

Dorm Haul: What I'm Bringing to College

As some of you may know, this isn't my first time starting college. My first time around was two years ago, when I was starting as a freshman at Utah Valley University, not quite sure of what the future held for me. I didn't particularly want to go to UVU, but I knew I wanted to attend college and eventually get a degree, and so I agreed to go there until I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how I was going to go about it. One thing I had clear is that I wanted to go to school out of state eventually. I had my heart set on Nashville for the longest time, as that's the city I fell in love with in 2014, and the city I hold nearest to my heart even now. But back to the point. I debated getting an apartment with my friend Sarah somewhere between UVU and BYU that first Fall, but eventually I decided to just stay at my parents' house and redecorate my room, so as to save up but also get a sense of change. It was also a great way to save money, so I don't really regret staying home and doing my first year and half of college at UVU, since now I'll be able to finish my associate's degree at FIT in one year, rather than the usual two. With that said, I'm really excited to finally move out!

So, in just a week and half I'm going to moving into an apartment style dorm in Alumni Hall at FIT, with my three roommates - Caitlin, Natalie, and Sophie. Caitlin's the one I'm going to share a room with though, and you can check out her blog right here. Anyway, so these last couple of weeks, I've been scouring the internet and local shops looking for cute things to decorate my dorm room and I wanted to show you guys some of the cute things I'll be taking with me!

Decor:

For Decor, I wanted most of the accents to be gold. So I got this pencil holder from Target, this jewelry rack from Anthropologie, and this little terrarium (which I will use to store my crystals + rings) from Urban Outfitters. I'm also bringing my extensive candle collection, even though candles technically aren't allowed. As for lighting, I'm bring my fairy lights from IKEA, which I absolutely adore because they bring a sort of coziness to the room. I'm also going to hanging up some art prints that I've acquired throughout the last year, and I'll probably be buying some more in the near future. I'm going to have a post up about where I get my prints pretty soon! As for curtains, I'm bringing my lace ones from IKEA, but since we only have one window (probably) I'm not sure we're going to use them. My throw pillow is white with grey designs on it and mustard flowers, and it was a gift so I'm not sure where it's from. Finally, so.. I used to have three cactuses in my room and they were thriving, until one day I overwatered them and two of them died literally overnight. So, to prevent that from happening in NYC haha, I got a fake cactus and I painted the planter gold so as to match the rest of the accents. 

Bedding:

For my bedding, I'm going to bring my white duvet cover from home. I'm leaving my white sheets behind though ( :'( ), and opting for some grey floral ones I got a couple years ago that will fit the twin XL mattress (the ones pictured are similar and from the same store). It's okay though because the grey will go with my white / grey / mustard color scheme perfectly! As for accent pillows, my main statement one will be the same one Taylor Swift gave me in 2014 with the California flag on it since it fits well with the aesthetic of my room. For the rest of the pillows, I got this mustard one from Pier 1 and this white sherpa bed rest from Target, which is a nice knock-off of this Urban Outfitters one for less. I'm also going to order this shaggy one from H&M as well as this faux sheepskin to cover my chair from IKEA.

Organization:

As far as storage/ organization goes, I ordered a few of those foldable storage boxes from both Bed, Bath, and Beyond and IKEA in grey and white. For my underbed storage, I got this to store off-season clothing. I'm also ordering a clothing rack, which I plan on using to hang all my winter coats / jackets. I have some non-slip hangers from Costco that I really love, but I haven't gotten that far with packing yet, so I'm not sure I'll be able to fit them in my luggage. In any case, I could order these white ones from IKEA.

I hope this guide was in any way helpful!

Pretty Little Things: Backpacks!

It's back to school season! This is particularly exciting for me, not just because I'm moving to New York City next week, but also because I'm obsessed with organization (stationary, planners, office supplies, you name it)! Getting a new backpack is always a really fun activity because it's not really as simple as just picking a cute one at the first place you look. You have to really consider a lot of factors, like whether it will fit all your things (and for most of us college students, if it's big enough for your laptop), whether it'll look nice with every outfit you wear, whether the material is durable and/or waterproof, etc. Earlier this year, I got this lovely Fjällräven Känken in Frost Green/Pink Peach. I wanted to be able to use it for school, to take it when I go hiking - especially on longer hikes, and to bring to music festivals. Therefore, I needed my backpack to: have space for two water bottles,  fit my 13" Macbook Pro, be waterproof, and it needed to be big enough that I could fit up to 6 notebooks in it - since I am an avid handwritten notetaker, but more on that on another post! I'm also in love with the pink and green color combo. That used to be my favorite color combination when I was in elementary school and green is still my favorite color now, so it was a nice little throwback.

Anyway, I put together a nice little selection of my favorite backpacks this season, all under $100, because I know how important it is to find an affordable backpack.

From left to right, top to bottom: Ribstop from Baggu // Vegan Leather Backpack // Baggu Grid Backpack // Target Pink Polka Dot // Fjällräven Känken in Ochre // Herschel Dawson // Lola Perforated White // Kane Backpack (this one reminds me of a spaceship) // Sole Society Faux Leather

And finally: a floral one, an army green one, and a simple pink one that didn't fit on the picture.

I have a couple more Back To School posts I'll be sharing in the next week. Have a lovely day!

Lyric Embroidery Hoops

I'm one of those people who likes to have everything perfectly organized at all times, or else I get excessively stressed out. So, recently I've been spending a lot of time planning how I will decorate my room in New York City, down to the last detail. I want it to be a lot like my room here in Utah, with my white bedding and my gallery wall of assorted art prints and paintings. However, I'm not trying to make it an exact replica and I'm trying to follow a slightly different color scheme - but more on that will be on another post. The point is, I made these cute little embroidery hoops with some of my favorite lyrics lately to hang up on my wall along with my Daisy portrait and some of the art I've been collecting over the last year and a half. The one above is my favorite, it's from a song by the Brooklyn band Florist. It's the last song on their record and it's called Only A Prayer Nothing More. Their lyrics have been pretty comforting to me lately. Unintentionally, loneliness has been a common theme in the last four books I've read this summer. It's funny how life has a way of highlighting the most relevant things when you need them most. I feel like I've been so hyper aware of my feelings lately, which is probably why I've also been taking my sketchbook everywhere. Anyway, the lyric on the embroidery hoop is the following:

 "slow down watch the sky, you'll be young forever"

This one was the most spontaneous of the two. Originally, when I was planning these out, I made a list of like 10 different song lyrics that I liked or that I thought would be good to hang on my wall, some were too long and some were just a couple words long, so I narrowed it down to my top 4 contenders and this one was actually one of the first lyrics I had eliminated from my list. I was going to go for a lyric in Holly Miranda's song, Pelican Rapids, "There's nothing wrong with the way you feel and everything will be alright," which was a sort of mantra to me last Fall when I was going through a rough moment.  But then at the last minute, I started stitching this Angel Olsen lyric instead:

"I started dancing just to be around you,"

and it wasn't the least bit centered, so I had to reposition my fabric and basically, I came up with the whole design of it as I was making it. I like how it turned out though. I got a lot of nice messages about it on twitter and tumblr, more so than about the other one.

The other exciting thing, that is sort of related to this post, is that I'm going to see both Angel Olsen and Florist in concert this fall, separately of course haha. And I'm going to have to venture out to the venues alone because, tragically, none of my New York friends listen to indie music. I'm excited though!

Alright, well thank you for reading!

Albion Community Events + Fitness Fashion

I fell in love with Albion Fit in 2014, when I got a membership at Xtend Barre in Provo, and during one of my very first classes I had an instructor who wore their petal pants. I remember asking her where she got them and soon after making my first trip to the little Albion store, tucked away by the Kneaders at City Creek. I didn't end up getting those pretty pants though, instead I walked out with a new tank, one that I still wear today, so that'll tell you something about the quality of their products. I later ended up getting a sports bra and THE MOST FLATTERING swimsuit I have ever worn in my life. I always, without fail, get compliments on it when I wear it. It's black with little flamingos on it and it's out of stock right now, since it was from last summer's collection, but this one is a very similar cut.

Besides their quality materials and cute styles, there's another reason I adore Albion Fit, and that's because of... the community events! They have a sort of little tradition of hosting free community fitness classes on most Saturday mornings (and sometimes nights) throughout the summer. I love these because 1) it feels really cool to feel like a part of something and that feeling is definitely there at these events, 2) there's free healthy food afterwards, 3) It gives me a reason to wake up at 7am on Saturday mornings and 4) it's the reason I've tried so many fitness classes I would have otherwise probably never tried out. I try to make it to every single one, although sometimes if they fall on the same day, I might go to the free Athleta classes or the 9th and 9th Pilates summer events as well, though those are very rarely free. Regardless, you'll never find me at my local gym on Saturday mornings haha.

Alright, so last week, Albion held a class with the lovely Witney Carson from Dancing With The Stars, which was particularly exciting. As you know, I loooooove dancing. However, I'm not the most skilled at it (as in, I'm always 1 step behind everyone else, but I try!) I headed over the class and it was such a blast. Afterwards, they had delicious little açai bowls for us from The Protein Foundry (pictured above!), another local business. I'm definitely going to be hitting up their restaurant before I move to New York! And, the highlight of the morning was when I ended up winning a $50 gift card during the giveaway. I compiled some of my favorite things from Albion right now and I'm going to head over the store later this week to pick one out!

Clockwise from Top Left: Santiago Love Racer Top // Go Capri in Antigua Slate // Crop Swim Top in Izabal (looove this one as both a regular top and a swim top) // Go Capri in Antigua

Which one do you think I should pick?

Portrait of Daisy

This summer has been the busiest one for me, that's for sure. It's funny because last summer I was working on my portfolio for my FIT application 24/7 and I thought that would probably be the busiest summer. I guess I didn't anticipate all these things I'd have come up right before moving. I'm trying to do all the things I procrastinated doing over the last few months all at once so I won't have so much to stress about in the Fall, and most of it is boring like filling out paperwork for my allergist and getting a new prescription for my glasses, or hemming pants for my mom's friend. Another thing I've been working on is finishing projects that I started and then left half-way done. I feel like that's a problem literally every artist has to face, but for me it got so excessive that my desk was literally covered by stacks of canvases and other sh*t for months and I FINALLY, mostly, got it organized and I really only have 2 paintings I need to finish and 3 sewing projects. The rest can wait, or just be left how it is haha. It doesn't help that my sketchbook has recently become my best friend. I'm always working on my sketchbook. My new favorite thing is drawing my friends and mixing different mediums. Maybe one day I'll show you guys a little sneak peek of my sketchbook, but that probably won't be for a long time. Honestly, it would be the equivalent of showing you my journal, with all my personal little thoughts and feelings interspersed through its pages.

Anyway, one thing I really wanted to paint before leaving (so as to incorporate it in my apartment decor), is a portrait of my little Daisy Máire! So yesterday, I put on my favorite podcast, NPR's Invisibilia (these three episodes), and I painted my heart away. I'm sure some of you remember, but when I was in high school I exclusively painted cats, so this was a fun little throwback experience for me. It's mostly acrylic, but I also used nail polish both to make the background a little bit more golden and to add some sparkle. It's something I started doing with some of paintings in April, but I haven't posted those portraits yet! Oh and the whiskers were drawn in with a white Polychromos pencil. As I said before, I've been making a lot of mixed-media projects.

Thank you for reading!