Feeling Feelings + An August Playlist

I wonder how my mother felt when she booked that one-way flight to America in 1999, or maybe it was in the early months of the year 2000. I wonder if it was sort of reminiscent of what I felt when I booked my one-way flight to New York City, or maybe I’m just being melodramatic. After all, I am the girl who keeps a note on my phone that I only ever open around 2am, when all I want to do is write about my feelings and anxieties. Regardless, I feel like it wasn't until this week, that it hit me that I'm moving across the country. It wasn't quite real to me until now and suddenly I can't even sleep anymore because I'm excited and nervous and scared and everything in between. It just became more and more real every day, and along with that, the days started feeling longer and longer. And in one day, I’m going to wake up and get on that plane and I have no idea how that will go. And I have no idea what will happen after. For all I know, I'll completely unaffected and only once I’m standing on my street in Chelsea, luggage in hand, I’ll come to realize where I am and what I’ve done and what is happening. And then I’ll be washed over with a sense of reality, with emotions and longing and intense joy and every major feeling that I haven’t quite felt yet. But that's not likely, since I started missing my loved ones months ago, long before I ever knew I was definitely moving to New York. And besides, if I cried getting on a plane home after visiting my best friend in California for a couple days, I'm 100% sure I'll cry getting on a plane to my new city and leaving behind my childhood home and loved ones. I'm an emotional being, after all. BUT, It's not like I won't ever come home either. I mean I'm going to be back for a month between December and January. Still though, the feelings are real and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes, I too get caught up pretending my life is perfect on social media, or at the very least on facebook, instagram, and blogger. Tumblr and Twitter get to see the inner workings of my mind a little bit more, but still it’s not the same as the raw emotions I release into my journal. Even on those social media platforms where I feel like I can be more candid, I'm still pretending a little bit. One thing I failed to emphasize when I wrote about the last time I went to New York City, is that I spent a big part of the trip crying. I guess that was my mistake, for deciding to show up to the city entirely on my own, to spend the first half of the trip wandering about by myself. The city was magic and grand and interesting, sure, but it was also lonely and frantic. I was constantly lost and trying to find help. I was constantly feeling incompetent and small. I mean, the first thing I did when I reached the apartment on St. Marks Place was have a panic attack. I wanted to just curl up on the ground and cry and breathe and do my best at attempting to calm down because I couldn't even will myself to look out the window, let alone leave the apartment building and venture out. Once I finally did, it took me hours to find the MoMA, and I don't mean a couple hours. I mean several. I mean the entire morning. Only once I found it did I feel at peace. That night, I called my mom, a mess of tears. Between sobs, I told her I wanted to go home, that I couldn’t stand the city with all of it’s rude people, with all of the busy streets, with all of that isolation I felt being there. I told everyone on social media that I was in love with the city, and I wasn’t. That not how the story ended, of course, or I wouldn't be moving there. I grew to appreciate the city when my friends arrived and we spent the next three days having a good time. By the end of the trip I was dead set on coming back, this time to live there. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now! See, things do get better. It doesn't mean I'm not scared this time, but I know that even if things aren't easy at first, I'll settle into the city. I'll start to love it. I'll be fully living before I know it!

But this isn’t just about New York either. I mean, Utah has been my home for the better part of my life. I remember my first few weeks in Utah, when I was four years old. I remember all the houses we’ve lived in. This is where I got my first cat (my dear Minnie,) it’s where I learned to ride my bike, this is where I graduated from high school, where I first started college, where I learned to sew, where I formed my ideas and values, where I met my oldest friends. Orem is my hometown and my roots will always be here, surrounded by these massive mountains that I once took for granted, but my mom always marveled at. I hated this town when I was in junior high and during my early high school years. I used say that I would never belong because I wasn’t of the same religion, because I didn’t have a religion, because I didn’t have as many friends, because there was never anything fun to do and most musicians I adore wouldn’t even tour here, because I thought I wouldn't ever love this place, etc. I grew to love it, eventually. It’s never going to be a perfect fit for me, but that’s beyond my control. Still, I’m going to miss my friends - the new and the old- and I’m going to miss sitting in my room with my Daisy Máire curled up on my lap, and I’m going to miss those late afternoon grocery shopping trips with my mom, and I'll miss my sister and my dad too. I’m going to miss my childhood bedroom with my collection of Taylor Swift merchandise from my fangirl days. I’m going to miss my little tan car with my Bernie Sanders sticker still on it. I’m going to miss the local concert venues where I first fell in love with live music. I’m going to miss the mountains and all my favorite trails to hike, especially in the Fall. I’m going to miss my Utah, my home.

With that said, I put together a little playlist of old and new songs to listen to when you’re feeling feelings and thinking about life around 2am, probably. 

Tracklist:

1. Robotic - Hannah Georgas
2. Night 52 - Christine and the Queens
3. I Admit I'm Scared - Eskimeaux
4. What If - Maggie Eckford
5. Four Walls - Broods
6. Hold Your Own Hand - Mothers
7. Best Times - Sales
8. Only A Prayer Nothing More - Florist
9. Sodom, South Georgia - Iron & Wine
10. Be Your Own 3am - Adult Mom
11. Gone - AdriAnne Lenker
12. Class of 2013 - Mitski
13. How Are You?? - Soko
14. Before The World Was Big - Girlpool

and you can listen to the playlist right over on THIS link!

June Playlist: Workout Mix

June is always a rough month for me. I'm not entirely sure why, but for as long as I can remember it's always when all the exciting things come to a screeching halt and everything becomes a challenge. Maybe it has something to do with it being the middle of the year. Regardless, I've been too busy, too exhausted, too anxious to come up with post ideas. I actually started a new job, four weeks ago and it's been a huge challenge for me, mostly because I've been beating myself up for not being a fast enough learner, not being loud enough, not being smart enough, etc. I also started meditating again, after reading a book by Deepak Chopra. It's been helping, but reading has been helping too, and so has the time I spend working out. All of that is cathartic. I managed to get back into a good workout schedule, and I've been better about eating healthy lately. What I usually do is I do BBG and I go on a 30 minute run on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Then on the in between days I go to yoga or spin class. I was originally going to make this post about my relationship with fitness and food and the challenges I've faced with that and where I am today, but I just don't feel like it would be right right now, not after the sort of day I've had (a pretty perfect, mindful one). So, I'm going to post about that another time. The point is, I really love having loud, upbeat music playing when I work out, whether I'm doing Kayla Itsines BBG at home or going on a run, and I really can't stand fitness classes where all they play Adele and the music isn't upbeat haha. I always just need the music to be PERFECT and I'm usually pretty good about making a new playlist every month, so I wanted to share it with you guys this month. It's about an hour long and it's pretty dang crazy - think lots of Sleigh Bells and Chairlift. I hope you love it.

Tracklist:

1. Romeo - Chairlift
2. Swords - M.I.A.
3. All We Ever Knew - The Head and The Heart
4. Kill V. Maim - Grimes
5. Crown On The Ground - Sleigh Bells
6. MCs Can Kiss - Uffie
7. Bullet - Chelsea Lankes
8. Born Again Teen - Lucius
9. Turn You - Rocky Rivera
10. Class Historian - Broncho
11. Can't Get Enough of Myself - Santigold
12. Moth To The Flame - Chairlift
13. Best I Can Do - Misterwives
14. Venus Fly - Grimes
15. What's It Gonna Be - Shura
16. Riot Rhythm - Sleigh Bells

And, you can listen to the playlist right over HERE.

May Playlist: My Little Ribs Around You

The title is an interesting one. I've been listening to a lot of witch house lately, which is something I never thought I'd say lmao. I actually got the title for this mix from a lyric in the song Fineshrine by Purity Ring. You see, I've liked their music for quite some but now I have a special place in my heart for them. I don't know if it was the fact that I hadn't had anything to eat besides a couple popsicles and coffee for over 24 hours, or if it was their net of lights and the entire sensory experience, but I only remember fragments of seeing them live as if it was some sort of weird dream. I remember the hair style of the girl in front of me, I remember thinking I didn't have the energy to dance but dancing anyway, I remember stumbling over somebody on my way out. But enough about that, my favorite thing lately is listening to/reading random interviews from artists whose music I'm really into because I feel like I can appreciate their work even more if I can appreciate them as a person. So anyway, the other day I was reading an interview from Purity Ring and they were explaining this song, how it's a love song but it's not overtly so. It's literally about inviting someone into your heart, into your life without ever saying it. So, I put together this little mixtape of some of the songs I've been listening to most lately, particularly when I'm drawing.

Tracks:

1. Fineshrine - Purity Ring
2. I Think I Love You - Waxahatchee
3. First Love Never Die - Soko
4. A Summer Song - Conner Youngblood
5. Dives - Alvvays
6. Genesis - Grimes
7. Patience - The Lumineers
8. Please Be Naked - The 1975
9. Such Words - Ghostly Kisses
10. First Love / Late Spring - Mitski
11. Korean Food - Frankie Cosmos
12. Intro / Flowers - Grimes
13. bodyache - Purity Ring

and you can listen to the playlist right over HERE.

On new beginnings...

there's something so amazing about Spring. I mean you could say that about any season, I'm sure. There's always something magical when seasons start, but there's something specifically sweet about Springtime and I don't know about you, but my heart is soaring and I'm so happy. I just feel like everywhere I look, everyone is so radiant and content with their lives. Even my room is brighter and I just want to be outside all the time, you know? And everything good is getting close. I'm thinking of it like a bridge, from the bleakness of winter to the bright, sunny days of summer. I mean think about it, school is almost over, I just have a month left. It's almost white dress season and you know how in love I am with loose, white frocks. I have a stack of books I need to read then, and I have new canvases still in their plastic wrap. And I have all these ideas swimming around in my mind and I feel like I need to start right now, because if I don't I'll never actually get around to making them. So I picked out this lovely quote:

 "And Suddenly you just know... it's time to start something new and trust in the magic of beginnings" - Meister Eckhart

 The picture is apparently from the Free People blog, this post in particular. I guess you could say I'm feeling inspired, maybe it's because I sat in class thinking about a particular Jackson Pollock work I saw at the MoMA, and what it made me feel, which in turn left me feeling inspired again. That place is magic, by the way. I don't remember if I told you. You go in there and it's like you're not in New York, but yet you still feel like you are. It's an alternate universe of inspiration. I don't even know. I'm rambling. Which reminds me, in one of my classes today the discussion was about Carl Jung's theories, something a good friend of mine insists I need to really know. In particular, we were talking about his idea that we have to bring out our subconscious mind, and everything that pertains to the shadow and then my professor started talking about how some people can reveal that through write, paint, and draw. It's like when you start writing and you just write and write and go on and on and then after a while you realize your hand hurts and there's a whole page of prose, in tiny handwriting, and some of it makes no sense but it was all in you and now it's out. I have sketchbooks full of pages like that. And as for painting, that's the only way I've ever been able to make actual art that I love, which I guess is why deadlines kill me, but anyway, I found the whole lecture so intriguing. See, I was just going to tell you I spent two hours drawing yesterday really early in the morning, and then I went on a tangent. And I also wanted to tell you I found the most beautiful fabric, some dusty rose lace that I haven't stopped thinking about. And I also found fabric that has little green rabbits on it, and I think I'm going to buy it because you know how I love little animals on clothing.

And finally, as per my usual early Spring tradition, I made you a playlist and you can listen to it here. And this is the tracklist:

Tracks:
   1. Safest Place - Echosmith
   2. Quarters in a Pocket - Iron & Wine
   3. The Garden You Planted - Sea Wolf
   4. What Love Looks Like - Rebecca Roubion
   5. Love is All - The Tallest Man On Earth
   6. Like a Light - Amy Stroup
   7. Rescue Song - Mr. Little Jeans
   8. Colour - Wild Cub
   9. Crawl - Bear Lake
   10. Like a Thousand Stars - The Honey Trees
   11. Percy Anderson - Jasmine Kennedy
   12. Digging Shelters - Neil Halstead
   13. Ireland - Liza Anne
   14. Forgiving Myself - Amy Stroup & Trent Dabbs
   15. Another Story - The Head and The Heart
   16. Down River - The Temper Trap

Have a lovely Monday night!

New York + A Playlist

 I accidentally took a two hour nap today, or this would have been up sooner. I swear I'm not lazy, I just stayed up insanely late last night studying for a midterm and the whole day has been a struggle for me. I blame it on daylight savings and the fact that I'm not a morning person and waking up at 5:30 just got so much harder. ANYWAY, onto the actual content of this post. Tomorrow night I'll be sitting on a plane, on my way to New York City. I had a countdown and everything, thinking that it would feel like forever because time tends to go slow when there's something exciting to look forward to. Or maybe that's just me. It all went by so fast and now it's finally time, you know. These last couple of weeks have been crazy as I was trying to get all my schoolwork done before leaving while simultaneously planning it. It's gonna be so exciting, I can't even wait. Before I go on, I have a playlist for you. I've been missing the days when I used to make my friends actual physical playlists, or mixtapes. So now here's one for you, I actually made it for my flight and it's a nice little peaceful mix. You'll love it, I'm sure.

Tracks:
   1. Four Walls - Broods
   2. Gold - Ruby The Rabbitfoot
   3. The National - Hannah Georgas
   4. Love and Some - Iron & Wine
   5. Twigs and Stones - Siskiyou
   6. You'll Still Be Mine - Maggie Eckford
   7. Bette Davis Eyes - Marble Sounds
   8. I Want to Know You - Measure
   9. Bridges (Live) - Broods
   10. Amsterdam - Gregory Alan Isakov
   11. Seagull - Saturday Sun
   12. Wants What It Wants (hushed) - Andrew Belle
   13. Begin Again - Measure
   14. Sleeping Alone - Lykke Li
   15. Far From Yesterday - Amy Stroup

you can listen to it here. I don't know to embed it with Spotify's new changes.

It's one of those things, you know. It's a moment that you imagined and daydreamed about, but didn't actually see happening in the near future. It almost doesn't feel real, but then on the other hand I've already made friends on the TVFU facebook group that it sort of feels familiar, you know? It almost feels like I'm walking down the street to an old friend's house, but not. Maybe I just love people to quickly and easily. It's a curse and blessing. I don't know if I told you, but I'm going to spend the first 1.5 days on my own, completely. And it's both ridiculously exciting and absolutely terrifying. This is gonna be my second trip alone, as you might know. I've always been an introvert, so the fact that I get to be alone just makes me giddy. Granted, one of the things I'm most excited about is getting to meet friends and cool people, but I'm still glad I get be alone at least part of the time. And since my last trip alone was so perfectly blissful, I know that this one should be too. At least I hope. I'm also the most paranoid person, though. So maybe I'm being irrationally carefree. I wouldn't know. Whatever. It'll be fun. Now all I have to do is go to one more class tomorrow morning and finish packing and then I'm off to New York, just like that.

Have a lovely week! I'll be back next Wednesday.

picture credit goes to Jon Ottosson.

My Darling: A Playlist

And just like that, it's Valentines Day again. Well, almost. It's my favorite day for so many reasons, as you know. I mean I don't want to ramble on forever, like some crazed fool. I mean it's not like I've ever had a valentine, but you knew that too. Still, it's a beautiful concept. Anyway, this playlist is a nice mish mash of lovely little love songs and bold declarations of love and sad little forlorn ballads, some are slow, others fast. Because I feel like when you love someone, it's funny like that. I mean we expect it to just equal this constant deep sense of happiness and understanding, but instead it's a mess of feelings; some deeply sad moments and some incredible highs. It's worth it, but it's not worth it. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm not in love anyone right now, so it's not like I'm the most reliable source, but do I even want to be? You know, my answer always changes. It's just that I have all these dreams to chase and all these opinions that don't seem to sit well with anyone. Regardless, I happen to adore love songs and cheesy romance movies, and cookies with pink frosting and red sprinkle hearts and yes, I do love celebrating love. And so, here's the annual love day playlist (on Spotify this year cause I'm too poor to buy songs for an 8tracks mix):



and if you're going to be spending Valentine's Day with a broken heart, I made a playlist for that last year and another two years ago, and Taylor Swift made a flawless one for a lovely girl on tumblr last night as well, here. Everyone deserves to have the most amazing, love-filled day so honestly, I wish you the best.

Love you guys! I have more Valentine's Day posts lined up for the rest of the week!